Ever thought you were annoyed at someone else, only to realise you’re actually annoyed at yourself for staying quiet, going along with it, or allowing it?

That happened to me more than once this week. Which got me thinking about self-abandonment.

We hear the term self-abandonment a lot these days. It’s almost become a buzzword, which means it’s easy to dismiss or normalise it.

I’m not talking huge sacrifices or dramatic ‘woe is me’ martyrdom. I mean the small, everyday moments that we hardly notice in the moment.

I’m sure these are familiar: making an excuse when we don’t want to attend something instead of simply saying, “I can’t make it.” Laughing along with something that actually upset us, then replaying the conversation later wishing we’d spoken up. Agreeing with the loudest voice in the room even though we don’t actually agree. Speaking out, then worrying afterwards whether we said too much or came across badly.

This is the kind of self-abandonment most women don’t even notice they’re doing. Tiny betrayals of ourselves that slowly become habits we accept.

When we keep overriding what we really think, feel or want in order to avoid judgement, rejection or disapproval, after a while we stop trusting ourselves properly. We second-guess ourselves, overthink everything or replay conversations in our heads then end up quietly simmering with resentment and judging ourselves. Over time we can end up burning out.

When we boil it down, being true to ourselves feels risky. It makes us visible and that can lead to feeling vulnerable and exposed. It means dealing with the possibility someone won’t like the real version of us. And that would be catastrophic, right?

The trouble is, when we constantly edit ourselves in order to be accepted, approved of or easier to handle, people end up forming relationships with a version of us that isn’t real and we end up being disappointed in ourselves or in them. 

Maybe not everybody will like you when you say what you really mean. But when you self-abandon, you’re not liking yourself either.

Getting Intentional

‘The first step to becoming authentic is to stop being inauthentic’. It sounds obvious but it's actually harder than you might think.  Actually, we were born authentic, we just got buried along the way under heaps of social conditioning. 

Notice this week when and where you are giving away your power by:

• over-explaining
• avoiding conflict
• staying quiet rather than speaking up

Then ask yourself a simple question:  ‘Am I  communicating who I really am or am I hiding my true self? 

Take action

If you are done trading your authenticity for ‘goop’ (the good opinion of other people), The Breakthrough Sessions are designed exactly for this kind of work. We uncover the hidden patterns shaping your behaviour, your decisions and your relationships, and start rebuilding self-trust from the inside out.