Steering Into The Skid

Ever had one of those days (weeks? months?) where your brain feels like cold porridge? Or the stuff that sludges up the waste trap of the dishwasher? That’s me today. I don’t know whether it’s because we’re coming to the end of the summer holidays and some ancient piece of my programming is still running in teacher mode, but this time of year always does something to me.

The end of the holidays was always full of mixed feelings when I was teaching. Part of me would look forward to getting back to some kind of imposed routine because I was starting to feel sludgy and restless. Another part of me would fill with dread at the thought of another year of exhaustion, firefighting and frustration.

This September marks the beginning of my third year since I left teaching. It still seems like last week! I remember the euphoria of the first holiday I took in term time. Floating in an infinity pool, mimosa in hand, I thought to myself, 'I'd be taking assembly right about now". My God, that moment felt good.

For years, it seemed impossible to me that I would ever leave the profession I once loved and which had become such a huge part of my identity. Who was I if I wasn’t a teacher? It was all I’d known since I was 20 years old. Looking back now, I think that was probably one of the biggest reasons I stayed for so long. Even when I started to dream about other possibilities, I stayed with what felt familiar because familiar felt safe.

Our brains are designed to keep us safe. Thank you very much.  The very mechanism that once protected us from sabre-toothed tigers is also the mechanism that can keep us inside situations we have long since outgrown. The problem is, life does not offer certainty, no matter how hard we try to control it. In fact, the harder we try to control things, the more uncontrollable things seem to become.

Think about what happens when a car hits a patch of ice. Every instinct screams at us to slam on the brakes and fight the skid. Yet doing exactly what feels instinctively safest can make things worse. We have to override the panic. Understand what is happening. Respond differently. We have to steer into the skid. Might we still crash? Of course. But we have given ourselves the best possible chance of the best outcome.

Like many high achievers, perfectionists and people-pleasers, I hit more than a few patches of ice during my career; moments when things seemed to be spiralling beyond my control. My instinct was alwways to grip harder, work harder, try harder and take even more responsibility. The moment things began to change was when I learned how to stop automatically obeying the programming behind that instinct. The point wasn’t that I suddenly knew everything would work out. I didn’t. There was still no certainty. 

That’s what so much of the work I now do with women is really about. Not telling them what decision to make, but helping them recognise when old programming has taken hold of the steering wheel. Whether the decision is leaving a career, changing a relationship, starting something new, setting a boundary or finally admitting that the life that once fitted no longer does, the rules of the road are much the same.

Most of us don’t need more information. We already know something needs to change. What we need is enough clarity to recognise the skid, enough self-trust not to panic, and enough courage to do the thing that may initially feel counterintuitive. I continue to drive my life forward on my terms. I still hit ice patches once in a while. Of course I do. I know what fear will tell me to do but I’ve learned that I don’t have to obey it and I know how to give myself the best odds of a better outcome.

That is one of the reasons I’m creating something new for September. Eight women. Eight weeks. 80 minutes a week. A small online coaching group for women who know there is something they need to change, decide or finally act on, but who keep finding themselves gripping the wheel and doing what they have always done. We’ll work on the beliefs, patterns and programming underneath that stuckness, so you can get clearer about what you actually want and start moving towards it. Relief and excitement incoming!

Making It Intentional

Do a quick audit of the things that you would like to change in your life.

Write a list of at least five and rank them 1-5 with the one that seems most impossible to change at the top.

Open pen excercise

Get your journal out and start writing. Do it for all or just pick one - write what your fears are around this and what would be different if there was nothing stopping you from taking action. 

Your Next Step

I’m looking for the first eight women to join me in September, and because this is the launch group, I’m offering it at a massively reduced founding price for the first cohort only. 

If something in this newsletter has made you think ‘I want some of that!’, register your interest here and I’ll send you the details.